you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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