the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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