I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
