I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
