mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
