hotel room ftw
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
