How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
