I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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