I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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