Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
