Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
