went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
