he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
