I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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