pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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