OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
