hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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