winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
