I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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