Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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