you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
