My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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