Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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