She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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