So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
