Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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