I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
