you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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