I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
