then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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