and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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