If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
