Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
