So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
