allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
