when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
