RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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