Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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