We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
