So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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