Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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