i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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