my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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