my phone needs a breathalizer
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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