Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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