Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
