I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
