I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
