Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
