don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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